Precariously balanced

I have realised that I was already on the edge. I was balancing, and not comfortably, holding too much in my life, never quite feeling that I was on top of things. And it was too much. It means that now a challenge has come along I just can’t cope. 
I don’t recognise the person I am the last few days. I have cried so bloody much and even now the smallest thing will set me off. I find myself feeling rage at inappropriate moments and my mind cannot concentrate on anything. 

Today has accompanied me with a sick feeling in my stomach and a thumping in my chest. I haven’t eaten. I didn’t sleep last night. 

It’s a bit like someone has died.

If someone told me that the house they rented was being sold I would be sympathetic and would show sadness but I wouldn’t have thought this was how they felt. When women I have supported at work have had this very experience and I’ve provided them with the practical advice of notice and section 21’s it hasn’t occurred to me that they’d be so upset that they wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my help. 

Because it’s about loosing a home. And having no control. And being forced to make massive descisions that affect your families life. As a friend said last night ” shelter is one of our basic rights and it’s been swiped away from you”.

Now, I may be able to get over loosing my home that I have lovingly created for my family over 7 years, because, as a renter it’s always at the back of your mind (though that’s not strictly true. I currently can’t bring myself to look at the garden as it comes into bloom; the thought of all the care I’ve put in to it and now won’t see).

But, finding a new home, when the option is to stay close to where we have made a life for ourselves but not be able to afford it or move away from what we know: it feels like an impossible task.

Don’t even get me started on the issue with our society where by a family with 2 working parents cannot afford to rent, let alone buy.

I can’t even bring myself to think about the practicalities; actually moving house! I mean wow! Most people do this stressful life event because they’ve chosen too, because the place they are going to is even better. We have to do it out of the blue and begrudgingly and without a real plan.

Heartbreak has come from the children. The elder two know. In the first 24 hours we couldn’t hide our shock and upset. I am cross with myself for my uncontrollable tears infront of them because that’s not my style and it’s panicked them. One of them has cried a few times; she doesn’t want to loose her friends (who are neighbours) that she’s grown up with. She said “I just don’t think I can be happy now”.

The other has cried but quietly and to himself. He said “how is it fair that someone can just take our home away from us?” And then commented that “I don’t like it when you talk about because I just don’t want it to happen”.

The youngest doesn’t understand and is happily pointing at every door we pass and saying “I think we should live in that one”. In fact he requested that when we move we get house with a telly upstairs. He’s got his priorities sorted.

Tomorrow I go to view a house. Just 4 days ago we lived in our home and that was that. Now I have to go and decide whether another house that we cannot afford to pay for will make a good family home. It doesn’t seem real. I will be panicking about whether this house will throw up the same problem in a year or so. I will be worrying that I may make a snap decision based on the panic to house my children.

I feel like my life before was a seesaw and I was balanced precariously in the middle, often slipping one way or another, sometimes catching a glimpse of the view but now I’ve dropped down to the ground with noone at the other end and I haven’t got the strength to push myself up again.

I know at some point this will be over. I know that I’m still in shock. I hope that when it’s over I will take stock to try and ensure that life won’t get the better of of us like this again. I will strive for better balance.

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